Dec 21 2012

Hordes of Humping Zombies in ‘Mourning Wood’

by Stacey Longo

Mourning Wood (2010) is the story of four friends living in a town that becomes overrun by a new breed of zombies. It seems that Dr. Jacob Pendleton has gone missing while filming an infomercial for ShamPube, the very same product that has been tainted, producing hordes of horny, humping zombies (“humpers”). Pendleton has a shady past himself, having betrayed the team of Texas Jim Callahan and John Wood years ago, which resulted in John going missing and leaving Texas Jim – you guessed it – mourning Wood.

The film quickly reveals itself to be a hot mess of puns, adolescent jokes, and ridiculous plot twists. Not that this is a bad thing – from the newsman named Dennis Douche (pronounced Doo-shay, of course) to the amazing transformation of Rick to a super-zombie due to the high levels of THC in his system, this movie feels like four guys having fun and not taking themselves too seriously. From naming the hideous Sasquatch character “Fluffy” to the snippet in which we follow Dr. Pendelton in his search for the secret ingredient in Stiff Again, the mikakes sohard bush, this movie is full of gags aplenty. It’s neither high quality nor highbrow, but there are many, many scenes in which you’ll find yourself laughing out loud. And all cheap jokes and puns aside, the opening Claymation sequence is pretty fabulous.

If you are expecting Academy Award level acting and plotlines here, perhaps you shouldn’t have rented a movie titled Mourning Wood. But if the title of this fine film makes you suppress a snort of laughter, you won’t be disappointed.

Dec 8 2012

Fair’s Fair… Right?

Fair’s Fair… Right?

Rob Smales

You picture a high school craft fair, you picture a small event, the kind of thing you go to and everybody just sort of has fun. Maybe you sell stuff, maybe you don’t, but there’s a kind of friendly atmosphere, vendors keeping each-other company all day, checking out each-other’s wares, and there’s a general feel-good kind of atmosphere. At the end of the day everyone goes home with a good feeling inside, having made promises to get together with the other vendors for coffee sometime (intended at the time, but will almost never happen) and looking forward to seeing them all at the next event.

At least, that’s how I pictured working the day at a high school craft fair.

Then I went to the Tantasqua’s Holiday Craft Fair, held at the Tantasqua Regional Sr. High School in Fiskdale, Ma, with the New England Horror Writers. Read ‘New England Horror Writers’ as Jason Harris, Stacy Longo, Tracy Carbone, Rob Watts and Scott Goudsward.

I may never be the same.

Here’s the story: I may say I’m not mentioning names to protect the innocent, but in this case it’s really to protect myself. I was with a group of people who think of terrible things for fun, then write them down, and have probably done at least a little research into forensics and police procedures.

It’s all about self-preservation.

The event was larger and more well-organized than I’d imagined, with a shuttle-bus driving vendors to and from the student parking lot up the road to allow customers the closer parking and better access to the building. Yup. A shuttle bus. I went in and located the rest of my NEHW brethren setting up at the twin 8-foot tables that had been secured for us by our esteemed Director of Publicity. Tablecloths were shaken out and draped, book stands positioned, and stock unpacked. I set my stuff up at one end of the tables and watched the event’s Santa walk by, ‘Ho-ho-ho’-ing as he went. Then he walked by again. He hadn’t yet made his third pass before someone in our group decided they’d had Ho-ho-enough, and announced their intention to kill Santa.

I’ll not say who it was, (see above note on self-preservation) but suffice to say that though I look nothing like Santa, I was afraid.

I may have said too much already. I think she could find me if she tried. Moving on.

We set up, the crowds started moving through and the fun began. Here are some high points:

Every time customers perused the NEHW table, the man with the newspapers on the table across the aisle (and thus behind them) would call out “Want a free paper?” I always thought the magic word was ‘please’, but apparently it’s ‘free’; at its very utterance the marks would peel off like a pack of zombies who’ve scented a woman wearing improbably high heels and have decided to give chase. Said marks never returned to our table.
- We were not amused.
There was a man roving about the venue hawking coupon books filled with deals at local establishments. He would suddenly appear in the area, bellowing his pitch in full voice — and what a voice! If the System ever breaks down due to Zombie Apocalypse or plague, and you need to get a message to the next town, just have this guy shout: they’ll hear, trust me. “Excuse me, sir? Hercules called, and he’d like his lungs back.” The man was actually frightening people.
- We were not amused. From the moment this guy’s voice made the scene, Mr. Claus was safe. Our potential Santa Slayer had acquired a new target … and we were all behind her, 100%. Safest place to be, actually…
One of our writers purchased a sandwich from the students running the cafeteria for the event, and was charged $4. Ten minutes later a pair of students walked by offering people the last of the sandwiches for just $2. The writer in question felt somewhat ‘rooked’. Questions were asked. Glares were offered. Anger abounded.
- We were not amused.
  - Well, actually, most of us were amused, but were afraid to admit it. All I can say is those students are damn lucky it wasn’t the potential Santa Slayer who bought a $4 sandwich — they may have wound up right back in that cafeteria. On the side of a milk carton.

Okay, so I lied. Those weren’t high points. By the next day, though, they were pretty funny. Some actual high points, for me anyway, include:

As soon as we set up, a woman stopped in to buy Rob Watts’s book, Crabapples, have her picture taken with him, and then … abscond with him for a time. I had heard talk of Rob and his ‘Groupies’, but this was my first experience with them, and I have to say I was not disappointed. I shave my head, tip the scales at about 200 lbs, and have been told there is a slight resemblance to Stone Cold Steve Austin… but without the muscle-mass. Kind of like ‘Stone Cold the home game’. I’ve offered myself up as ‘Rob Watts Security’ for future events, but have yet to hear anything definite either way. I’ll keep you posted.
- Who am I kidding? I want groupies of my own. Maybe, someday, when I grow up…
At one point a woman none of us had ever seen before simply appeared out of the crowd to accost Rob (he had been returned to us by this point) and offer him a small charm on a necklace. “Hey,” she said leaning down over his shoulder. “I just found this stone, and you see this mark on it? Right here? This is a mark of Protection. You should have this!” The rest of us all looked at each-other. Someone, I believe it was Scott, voiced the question that was on all out minds: “Who the hell was that?” No one knew.
- I don’t have words. I’ve looked for them, but I can’t find them. No, that’s not right, I can find one of them: ‘Groupies’. ‘Nuff said.
After eating a snack, I was collecting the group’s trash to take with me to the waste bin. When asked for trash, our Director of Publicity offered me two of hose ‘free’ papers from the table across the way, showing all the large-motion flourish with which one traditionally throws down a gauntlet on the field of battle. An obvious challenge had been issued, and I worried that fisticuffs might ensue, but there was naught but the dangerous narrowing of eyes in response from the paper vendor as he sat impotently behind his table across the way.
- The honor of the group had been defended, Jason Harris emerging a hero in all our eyes.
And now, summing up the highest point in the day for me, I have just two words: Bacon Fudge.
- I should say something pithy here, but I think I need to step away for a moment to collect myself. … so good … it was so good … thank you Tracy…

Sorry, where was I? Right! Tantasqua’s Holiday Craft Fair … right…

As I said, the venue was larger than I had anticipated, and we had plenty of space (thanks to the foresight of our hero, Jason Harris) to spread out our wares. The sheer amount of people who walked by our table should have worked in our favor, and might have if not for the machinations of the Evil Newspaper Man. There was food, there was caroling, and the people hosting the event seemed to do everything they could to make both the customers and the vendors as comfortable as possible. As far as I could tell a good time was had by all.

A few of us even sold books, and any day when that happens is a check mark in the ‘win’ column in my book.

I’d never worked a Craft Fair before this, and I didn’t know what to expect. Now that I do know what to expect, would I do one again?

You bet your Bacon Fudge!

…mmmm…. Bacon fudge….

Talk to you later!

Dec 7 2012

Pictures from the Tantasqua’s Holiday Craft Fair

by Jason Harris

One of the tables at the holiday craft fair.

Authors Stacey Longo and Tracy Carbone.

Items by The Crafty Cellar.

Authors Rob Smales and Scott Goudsward.

Customers checking out the NEHW table.

Author Stacey Longo

More items from The Crafty Celllar, of Ware, MA.

The raffle table

Author Scott Goudsward

Author Rob Smales

Dec 7 2012

Author to Share Her ‘Apple’ at Grand Opening

Author and New England Horror Writer member Kristi Petersen Schoonover will be part of the grand opening festivities at the new bookstore, Books and Boos, in Colchester, Connecticut on Saturday, Dec. 8.

Schoonover will be reading and signing her newest novel, Bad Apple, from 12 p.m. to 2 p.m. For every copy sold, she will be giving $3 to the American Association of Caregiving Youth and 50 percent of the books royalties will be donated to the AACY as well.

According to the AACY’s website, “Caregiving youth are children and adolescents who look after someone in their family who has an illness, a disability, frailty from aging, a mental health problem or a substance misuse problem. They take on practical and/or emotional caring responsibilities that normally would be the role of an adult … In addition, many caregiving youth also have responsibilities for younger brothers and sisters and all or most of the household chores.”

There will be coffee, tea, treats, and more at the store, which will be opened from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Plus, anyone who spends $5 or more will get a FREE new copy of The Priest of Blood by Douglas Clegg, another NEHW member, while supplies last!”

Schoonover will also be gift wrapping with two other authors and members of the NEHW, Stacey Longo and Jan Kozlowski, at Barnes and Noble in Manchester, Connecticut from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. on Sunday, Dec. 9.

Dec 3 2012

My Time at the Rhode Island Comic Con

by Rob Watts

Myself, Jason Harris, Stacey Longo, Scott Goudsward and Kristi Petersen Schoonover began the task of painstakingly arranging our table in a manner of which patrons would … oh, who am I kidding? We threw it all together and if something fell on the floor, then it probably didn’t belong there in the first place. Our booth did look pretty diversely kick-ass! In addition to our own books, we had action figures, DVD’s, movie adaptation novels and of course, comic books. We were prepared for anyone and anything that came our way that weekend. Or were we?

Well, nothing could have prepared me for the 9am stroll through “Celebrity” alley just prior to the show’s opening. Stacey and I took it upon ourselves to stalk a couple of former stars while attempting to flee from a couple of others. “Oh boy, time has not been generous to that one” was uttered more than a few times. But there were a couple of highlights during that brisk wander. For instance, did you know that Mitzi Kapture (of TV’s Silk Stalkings) is married to Seinfeld’s The Soup Nazi? Well, she is and they are both wonderfully kind people. Also wonderfully kind, yet extremely happy, was Gil Gerard of the classic 1970s sci-fi series Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. He was very gentlemanly as he reached out to shake both our hands but was quick to point out that he was selling Buck Rogers coffee mugs, baseball caps, lunch boxes, toilet paper and anything else you could put the name Buck Rogers on. As big of a turn off as this might have been, I still couldn’t believe “Buck Rogers” was in front of me, talking to me and trying to sell me a bunch of worthless crap. I couldn’t wait to see what other surprises were in store.

The doors opened to everyone at 10am and within 15 minutes, the aisles were flooded with convention goers. The booth blocking rule had a moratorium placed on it for the weekend due to the fact that people were streaming past us left and right all day long. We were perfectly happy behind the table all day, in our “safe haven.” People watching was a perfect ten as every super hero, comic book, anime, movie or TV character you could ever imagine was represented. To my delight, a different Captain America walked by me on an average of every 22 minutes. Star Wars characters were high in attendance and Jason Harris and I spent much of the two days debating on which guys at the con wore the best Bane character get-up. Of course, I can’t forget to mention the best dressed guys at the convention. Kristi’s all-time favorite tribute band, KISS Forever!

Venders were plentiful, and although their tables became repetitive after a while, they did have some amazing items for sale which could make even the least sentimental person nostalgic. I for one was tempted to plunk down fifty dollars for a near-mint Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle, but don’t judge me. The toy venders, however, had some competition at the NEHW booth. Scott unloaded a fair amount of his action figure collection throughout the event’s two-day run.

Some cool cars were on display in the lobby such as the Ghostbusters Mobile, the Adam West era Batmobile and two Delorians from the Back to the Future films. Speaking of Back to the Future, I got to meet and chat with actress Claudia Wells who played Michael J Fox’s girlfriend in the first film. She’s still very lovely and very cool. Speaking of cool, we got to chat it up with former pro wrestler Hacksaw Jim Duggan. He had some interesting stories about his glory days in the ring, including the “Montreal Screw job” and his relationship with Vince McMahon. Bottom line, he was very likeable.

Word at the convention was they had sold around 5000 tickets in advance. 12,000 people attended the convention just Saturday alone. This was RICC’s first year and it went off with a bang. Although it was a long two days for us in Providence, I think it’s safe to say we all had a great time. Kristi finally got to meet Dirk Benedict, I met my now-current co-writer on an upcoming project, Scott finally sold his giant King Kong action figure, Stacey got to hang out with Jake “The Snake” Roberts and Jason learned never to order a 30 dollar Filet Mignon from McCormick & Schmick’s when he’s starving. That’s a different story for a different day.

Nov 29 2012

The NEHW at the Tantasqua’s Holiday Craft Fair this Saturday

The New England Horror Writers will be at the Tantasqua’s Holiday Craft Fair this Saturday from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. at the Tantasqua Regional Sr. High School in Fiskdale, MA.

You can meet NEHW members Tracy Carbone, Scott Goudsward, Stacey Longo, Rob Smales, and Rob Watts, who will all be selling and signing books at the craft fair. The NEHW’s tables will be located in the school’s cafeteria.

If you are looking for a holiday themed book, Smales is selling, Checkin’ It Twice & Other Heartwarming Holiday Tales, which contains his story, “Fishing Buddy.”

The Tantasqua Regional Sr. High School is located at 319 Brookfield Road in Fiskdale, MA 01518.

Nov 27 2012

My Time in Billerica

by Rob Watts

As me, Jason Harris and Stacey Longo entered the doors of a tiny little church on a quiet side street in Billerica, MA; we were slightly confused as to where we were having our NEHW book signing. The address was correct, our GPS’s sent us to the same place, yet this wasn’t our usual style of venue to promote ourselves and our work. We called out “hello?” a couple of times but our calls went unanswered. Finally we saw a door to our right which read “No shoes allowed in the studio.” Of course, it only felt right to walk right through the door, shoes on and all. Upon entering the room, the three of us stood with our mouths hanging open, completely dumbfounded by what had laid before us. It was a room full of chairs, Halloween decorations, candles, a podium and a table full of food. A few seconds later, we were happily greeted by Alan Kessler and his wonderful family who were lovingly setting up the room for our arrival. ‘This is too nice for the likes of us’ I thought.

Alan Kessler, a NEHW member mentioned back in August during his first NEHW event in Middletown, Connecticut, that he’d like to contribute to the organization in some way, shape or form. He didn’t want to just be a stagnant member in good standing. He wanted to organize a different type of event for us to participate in; one that would cater more towards us as authors rather than exhibitors at trade shows. It was a nice gesture on Alan’s part, but although his intentions sounded sincere, it was unsure if such an event would take place. Three weeks later, sure enough, Alan had sent word that his event was a go and invited any NEHW member to participate. I am not lying when I say; Alan and his family went above and beyond what we might have expected. In addition to the above mentioned ambiance, Alan invited many of his neighboring book lovers, as well as a reporter from a local Billerica newspaper to cover the event. Every seat in the converted old church (and Alan’s current karate school) was filled with bodies. It was nice that people had come to see us, rather than just stumble upon us.

The event began with the participating author’s conducting a live reading from their books in front of the audience. I read a short story of mine called “Carman.” Tracy Carbone read from her latest book Restitution, followed by Stacey Longo reading from her children’s book Pookie and the Lost and Found Friend. We had a newcomer to the event that day as well. Author Rob Smales joined us for his first event and read a short story of his which is featured in The Ghost is the Machine. Alan, who very well could have shed a little spotlight on himself by reading from his own book A Satan Carol, graciously declined, as the event was about us, not him. We all thought that was a thoughtful and unselfish gesture.

After the readings, the audience was encouraged to visit our table at the back of the room to browse our book selections. It was an overwhelming rush of people at one time, who kindly purchased books and spoke to the authors. Food and beverages were available to the visitors which allowed for more interaction before the day drew to a close. I must really give Alan big thanks for what he and his family did for us that day. He opened up his place of business to us and his friends and gave us a beautiful venue to present our work. We’ll never forget that day.

Nov 20 2012

Author Speaks to Students

On Nov. 8, Stacey Longo, author and Co-chair of the New England Horror Writers, spoke to a couple of groups of students at the Putnam Middle School. She read her children’s book, Pookie and the Lost and Found Friend, to them.

Author Stacey Longo signing a book for a young fan. Photo by Jason Harris.

Author surrounded by readers. Photo by Jason Harris.

Photo by Jason Harris.

Author Stacey Longo reading her book, Pookie and the Lost and Found Friend. Photo by Jason Harris.

Photo by Jason Harris.

Along with writing stories and books, Longo is the co-owner of a bookstore, Books and Boos, which opens its doors Tuesday, Nov. 20. The store is located at 514 Westchester Road in Colchester, Connecticut.

Nov 18 2012

Pictures from Anthocon II

by Jason Harris

Half of author Jan Kozlowski and author Scott Goudsward.

Writers Stacey Longo, Andrew Wolter, and Barry Dejasu.

Artist Danny Evarts and editor Mark Wholley.

Shock Totem staff Sarah Gomes and K. Allen Wood at the Shock Totem table.

Author Rob Watts.

Author Gregory L. Norris.

Authors Stacey Longo, David Price, Craig D.B. Patton and Dave Goudsward.

The Goudsward brothers.

Author Tracy L. Carbone.

Authors Peter Dudar, L.L. Soares, and Scott Goudsward.

Author G. Elmer Munson (right) waits on a fan whose looking at the books on the NEHW table.

NEHW members Matt Bechtel and T.J. May talking.

Author Jack Haringa.

Writer Barry Dejasu.

Authors K. Ken Wood and Robert J Duperre behind the Shock Totem table.

NEHW members Stacey Longo, Tracy Carbone, Barry Dejasu, and Scott Goudsward.

Author T.T. Zuma (a.k.a. Tony Tremblay).

Author Stacey Longo.

Authors Bracken MacLeod and Andrew Wolter.

Author K. Allen Wood.

Author Kevin Lucia.

Authors Errick A. Nunnally and Stacey Longo.

Nov 8 2012

Laying the Smack Down on ComicCon

by Stacey Longo

I am a well-educated, fairly dignified woman. I read Faulkner and Hemingway and have studied the morphological and chemical variations of the common dandelion. And, as anyone who has ever been to a convention with me can tell you, I totally geek out when it comes to meeting former wrestlers.

For me, wrestling is a fond childhood memory, dating back to the time when my father would take my sister and me to the Glastonbury High School gym to watch Bob Backlund wrestle Ray “The Crippler” Stevens. There’s a special love there, one that nobody likes to talk about, but is recognizable in other wrestling fans when they let slip that yes, they have always wondered how George “The Animal” Steele got his tongue so green. (The answer: spearmint Chiclets, which I learned after meeting him at the Southcoast Toy and Comic Show.)

At Rhode Island ComicCon, I had the pleasure of meeting Jake “The Snake” Roberts and “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. For those of you who don’t know who these men are, you’ve probably already given up on this article anyway, so I don’t feel I need to explain.

Wrestling superstar Jake “The Snake” Roberts stated in casual conversation that he’s feeling great, is drug free, and recently lost 40 lbs. He’s an advocate of DDP Yoga (www.ddpyoga.com) and highly recommends the workout and meal portions that the program teaches. He was animated and enthusiastic when talking, and it was wonderful to see Roberts looking and feeling well.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan handles the wrestling panel himself. Photo by Jason Harris.

The wrestling panel that was scheduled for Sunday afternoon turned in to a Q & A session with WWE Hall of Famer “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. (Originally, the panel was to include Roberts and wrestler Big Van Vader, but Roberts had to leave early to catch a flight, and Vader was a no-show.) Duggan has been wrestling for 33 years, and his love of the business was evident in his enthusiasm and the beaming smile he wore while talking about his career. He was friendly and articulate, occasionally breaking out into his Hacksaw persona to emphasize a point. Duggan patiently answered questions about his former employers (both the WWE, which Duggan states “is run like a corporation, which it should be, because it is one” and the WCW, which he recalled as “the inmates running the asylum.”) He spoke about former coworkers Andre the Giant (“he was a lonely man”) and Hulk Hogan (“he’s a real good guy”) with fondness. As with any employee at a company, he didn’t always get along with the people he worked with, but was a gentleman when former opponents he didn’t care for came up. “We aren’t close,” he would explain if someone asked him about a specific wrestler he didn’t get along with, and would deftly move on to the next question.

Duggan’s achievements in the ring include winning the first (then-WWF) Royal Rumble in 1988 and WCW Television Champion and United States Heavyweight Champion. He named his 2011 WWE Hall of Fame induction as one of his proudest achievements. When asked about the 1997 “Montreal Screw Job” (in which WWE Champion Bret Hart was asked to drop the belt to Shawn Michaels prior to Hart’s exit to WCW, which Hart refused to do; WWE owner Vince McMahon called for the bell early even though Hart hadn’t submitted, ending the match) Duggan surprised the audience. “I actually think Bret was wrong,” he admitted. “If the boss tells you to drop the belt, you drop the belt.” Hart hadn’t wanted to lose in Canada, his home country. “I don’t want to lose in America,” Duggan laughed. “But you do it because the boss tells you to.” Duggan and Hart have spoken about the incident and remain friends. Duggan is also close to “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and Hogan.

Author Stacey Longo geeking out with Hacksaw at the Rhode Island Comic Con. Photo by Jason Harris.

Duggan ended the hour-long session by allowing fans to get their picture taken with him, a big-hearted gesture considering other celebrities were getting $10 to $20 on the convention floor for photos. Meeting both Roberts and Duggan was a thrill for this particular wrestling nerd, and the highlight of my weekend.

Side note: I was able to meet Big Van Vader briefly at this event as well. We aren’t close.

Jason Harris Promotions

Tag Archives: Stacey Longo

Hordes of Humping Zombies in ‘Mourning Wood’