Category Review

May 15 2014

Godzilla is Back on the Big Screen and Bigger than Ever

 

By Jason Harrisgodzilla-attacks-golden-gate

During the opening credits of Godzilla, the audience learns that the government never “tested” atomic bombs, as was widely believed. The sole reason why atomic bombs were detonated during that time period was to try and destroy the King of the Monsters. After the opening credits, the audience learns that it’s 1999 and there is a dig going on in the Philippines where something big is discovered. Is it Godzilla? Well, there is a huge skeleton plus something is dormant. There is also something that was awakened and got away.

The movie then goes from the Philippines to Japan where we are introduced to the Brody family: Joe (Bryan Cranston), Sandra (Juliette Binoche), and Ford (Aaron Taylor-Johnson). It’s Joe’s birthday, but he’s so busy with his job that he’s up earlier than normal, which causes Ford not to be able to hang his dad’s birthday banner that he has made. Joe is working at a nuclear power plant that is being affected by tremors. And the audience already knows, these are not naturally occurring tremors.

Taylor-Johnson, the secondary star of the movie after Godzilla, wasn’t recognizable with his shaved head. I didn’t realize I had seen him in such movies as Kick-Ass, Savages, and one of the after-credit scenes in Captain America 2: Winter Soldier, portraying Quicksilver.

Director Gareth Edwards has brought audiences the Godzilla movie that audiences have been waiting for since the disappointment of the 1998 version. He keeps the movie interesting and has us anticipating the appearance of Godzilla. He teases the audience with bits and pieces of him throughout the movie, until finally revealing Godzilla in his full glory near the end when he is battling the MUTO, giant insect parasites.

At the end this movie, audiences will be satisfied, exhilarated, and looking forward to his next appearance. Hopefully, Edwards will be helming it.

This movie gets five out of five stars.

Mar 19 2014

Movie Review: ‘Night of the Comet’

 

By Stacey Longo

nightofthecomet

Night of the Comet (1984) must have made its debut on VHS around 1985, coincidentally, the same summer that my family first got cable. Having subsequently watched it approximately 55 times on HBO (it was a movie! On television!), imagine my surprise when I found out that not everyone has seen this horror/sci-fi classic. Boy, are you missing out!

Sisters Reggie and Sam Belmont (Catherine Mary Stewart and Kelli Maroney, respectively) find themselves in a strangely empty world the day after the Earth has passed through the tail of an extraordinary red comet. Even more amazing is the fact that these sisters didn’t manage to survive the night together, but each on their own: Reggie by fooling around with her boyfriend in a steel-lined projectionist booth at the theater where she works, and Sam was in a steel-lined shed after fighting with her stepmother. The odds of two siblings both individually surviving a cosmic event that wiped out 99% of the population is about as likely as a huge cosmic event wiping out 99% of the population, but put your skepticism aside. Plenty more will happen to test the limits of your suspension of disbelief.

While the idea of tooling around the neighborhood now that humanity is mostly dead is overall pretty appealing, the two sisters quickly figure out that not quite everybody is dead. There’s a rabid zombie or two running around, and the sisters are at the top of the menu. They hear another survivor broadcasting over the radio, and head to the station, where they find Erik Estrada-lookalike Hector Gomez (Robert Beltran). Since everybody knows that the only thing to do after a mass extinction event is to find someone of the opposite sex to begin repopulation of the Earth with, it seems that things are looking up for the sisters. They decide to celebrate by going shopping.

Anyone who has ever watched a zombie apocalypse movie could’ve told Reggie and Sam that the worst place to go is the mall, but the sisters are a pretty clueless pair. To nobody’s surprise except Reggie and Sam’s, there’s a group of zombies there, and they barely make it out alive, and even then, only with the help of the government. Guess what? The government agents are baddies, too, and once again, the sisters are in trouble. Hector shows up to save the day, rescue the girls, and rescue a couple of little kids who were also being held by the big bad government. In the final scene, the zombies have died off, and an attractive young stud driving a sports car nearly runs Sam over as she crosses the street. Hooray! Now both of the sisters have boyfriends!

Cheesy, silly, and setting back women’s rights for decades to come, Night of the Comet is a fun glimpse at what used to pass for quality entertainment. The hairdos, outfits, and attitudes are all a tribute to times gone by, and you’ll find yourself missing those simpler days. Or not. At the very least, you’ll remember your Aqua Net and legwarmers fondly.

Mar 11 2014

Movie Review: ‘Scream Blacula Scream’

 

By Stacey Longo

Scream Blacula Scream

Billed as a Pam Grier vehicle, Scream Blacula Scream (1973) probably had no intention of being as preposterous as it was. The story revolves around Prince Mamuwalde (William Marshall), also known as Blacula himself, revived from the dead by Willis Daniels (Richard Lawson), via voodoo magic. Blacula repays the favor by immediately turning Willis into a vampire and setting about his true agenda: finding a woman to fall in love with, antagonizing the cops, and making a whole bunch more vampires. He raises the suspicions of local ex-police officer Justin Carter (Don Mitchell), who ultimately hunts down and (spoiler alert!) with the help of voodoo princess Lisa Fortier (the aforementioned Grier), kills Blacula.

What makes this movie a trashterpiece is it’s unintentional hilarity, mostly due to the dated “jive talk” and the tendency, apparently, for African-American vampires to grow an unruly mass of hair on their face once they turn. Blacula sports two lightning-bolt sideburns that slash across his cheeks when he’s hunting; his apprentice, Willis, sprouts eyebrows resembling two wooly caterpillars mating in a briar patch. With references to ‘bread,’ ‘rags,’ and ‘dudes,’ the slang is dated and entertaining.

Grier is underutilized for the first twenty minutes or so, but hang in there: when she finally gets into the action, you’ll remember why she gets so much respect. She’s smokin’ hot and coolly confident. Yet she loses credibility points when she doesn’t recognize Blacula as Professor Mamuwalde at first, which is ridiculous. The only difference in his appearance is the rabid facial hair and a new, super-groovy black cape. Luckily for her, Blacula is immediately smitten, and he puts her under his protection against his rapidly growing clan of bloodsuckers.

Unfortunately for Blacula, Grier’s Lisa is already dating Justin Carter, and he doesn’t like the latest turn of events. However, a lousier shot with a crossbow you’ve never seen, and it’s up to Lisa to save the day.

Noteworthy in this flick, besides Ms. Grier, is William Marshall in the title role. His larger-than-life presence and baritone voice commands attention, and you’ll cheer when he announces not once, but twice: “The name is Blaa-cu-laa!” In a sea of porn mustaches and fabulous afros, Scream Blacula Scream is absolutely worth viewing. You dig?

Feb 19 2014

Movie Review: Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

 

By Stacey Longo

Poultrygeist Night of the Chicken Dead

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead is vulgar, politically incorrect, and completely unapologetic about it. The premise of this ridiculous romp is that a fried chicken franchise, American Chicken Bunker, has been built on top of a sacred Native American burial ground in Tromaville. The site is also chock full of toxic waste (this is, after all, the same town that birthed the Toxic Avenger). Our hero is Arbie (Jason Yachanin), who discovers his high school sweetheart, Wendy (portrayed by Kate Graham) has turned gay while away at college, and is now protesting the new chicken franchise in Tromaville. Arbie, in turn, gets a job at the restaurant to spite her. As Arbie sings (this movie is also a quasi-musical): “Revenge is a dish best served fried.”

Things quickly go south as patrons of the restaurant get sick and eventually turn into giant mutant chickens from eating the toxic poultry. There is one particular bathroom scene that is so disgusting, repulsive, and full of excrement, that teenage boys everywhere will be cheering.

The climax of the movie shows patrons being murdered in gratuitously gory ways including sliced to death by deli slicer, impaled by chicken nuggets, and a guy’s legs being ripped apart like a wishbone. Arbie, fellow employee Hummus, Wendy, and a random little girl are able to fight off the chickens with alcohol, but it is Hummus who sacrifices herself so the others can escape.

While silly and spoofy, this movie is entertaining, too. Highlights include a cameo by Ron Jeremy, and nods to films like Jaws, The Exorcist, and Alien. Although campy, this is also a commentary on corporate greed: how chain franchises and large corporations are putting mom-n-pop stores out of business, contributing to child obesity in the country, and basically dumbing down America. Yes, this could be a serious introspection on the heartlessness and cold greed of corporate America, if not for all of the topless girls and “choking chicken” references.

Jan 2 2014

Stacey Longo Enjoys Ron Jeremy’s ‘One-Eyed Monster’

By Stacey Longo

One-eyed monsterONE-EYED MONSTER (2008, Liberation Entertainment) is the tale of an alien that comes to Earth to possess porn star Ron Jeremy’s penis and seed the Earth. If that statement didn’t make you giggle at least a little bit, then this movie might not be for you.

A delightful horror/comedy romp, this B-movie stars Amber Benson, Veronica Hart, and Charles Napier, with Ron Jeremy as himself. The film opens with a group heading off to the mountains to film an adult movie. Jeremy laments that he’s not in shape anymore, and Hart (also playing herself) is upset that she just might be too old to be in porn, despite her impressive Kegel muscles. However, these concerns take a back seat when Jeremy’s penis is possessed by an alien and detaches itself, only to set off on a murderous rampage.

The beauty of this movie is that the characters know the plotline is ridiculous. They’re stunned and incredulous that Ron Jeremy’s penis is hunting them down, one by one. The director made a wise choice in not showing the menacing member for three-quarters of the movie, which results in a heightened sense of suspense—a technique used effectively by Steven Spielberg in JAWS and replicated here.

Ron Jeremy of One-Eyed Monster.

Ron Jeremy of One-Eyed Monster. Photo by Jason Harris.

Notable performances include Jason Graham as Jonah, who is quick to accept that yes, a possessed penis is what they’re fighting here, and it’s a serious matter. Add to this Napier’s slightly crazed Vietnam vet, who has seen this kind of thing once before. His speech about the penis in ‘Nam that wiped out his whole platoon would come across as silly and trite if not for Napier’s ability to deliver it like a man who has seriously been traumatized by these events that “boot camp never prepared me for.”

Our heroes try to trap the murderous member, but their first attempt fails, and the survivors race to a radio tower to try and get help. Veronica Hart regains consciousness at this point (she’d been knocked into unconsciousness when Ron’s penis first attacked during their sex scene) and tries to catch up on the action.

Veronica: “Who’s in me?”

It is Veronica, and her fabulous Kegel muscles, that eventually save the day.

This movie is not for the faint of heart, young children, or your mother. Overall, it’s fun, chock-full of one-liners and laughs, and definitely worth watching. Check out the DVD extras for a fabulous five-minute mockumentary on the movie’s special effects for one last laugh after the film ends. ONE-EYED MONSTER is a must-see for all “so bad it’s good” movie fans.

Editor’s Note:

This review originally appeared on the Cinema Knife Fight website. You can see it by clicking here.

Nov 18 2013

Movie Review: ‘JFK Remembered: 50 Years Later’

 

By Stacey Longo

JFK Remembered 50 Years Later

JFK Remembered: 50 Years Later, directed by Robert Kline, is one of a trilogy of documentaries that Warner Brothers Home Entertainment released on November 12, 2013 to commemorate the 50th anniversary of President John F. Kennedy’s assassination.

The documentary opens by asking why JFK’s presidency is still so memorable. The narrator offers a few answers: President Kennedy was vibrant, charismatic, and full of hope and idealism; however, these are just words. A better response would be “Here. Let’s just show you.”

For show us the documentarians do.  The footage begins with a young John Kennedy announcing his candidacy for the presidency. The viewer is treated to rare footage from the campaign trail, and includes a memorable snippet in which the candidate addresses the issue of his Catholicism. “It matters not what kind of church I believe in . . . but what kind of America I believe in.” If you have no idea what kind of man President Kennedy was, you will soon come to realize that he was infinitely, undeniably, deliciously quotable.

The highlight of this section is not the 1960 televised debates in which Kennedy famously comes off as cool and polished while his opponent, then-Vice President Richard Nixon, seems shifty-eyed and nervous. It is instead the audio of one of Kennedy’s campaign ads, a catchy jingle proclaiming “It’s Kennedy, Kennedy, Kenn-e-dy for me!” It is a reminder of what an innocent time 1960 was, a contrast to the slander campaigns of today.

For a man who was only president for 1037 days (in comparison, by next September President Obama will have served for twice Kennedy’s term length) a lot happened during his tenure. After the election night coverage in Times Square, the documentary features footage from many of Kennedy’s presidential highlights: the formation of the Peace Corps, the Bay of Pigs invasion, granting the largest tax break in history, the desegregation of southern schools and the civil rights movement, the March on Washington, John Glenn’s space mission, Kennedy’s much-admired and still studied speech on peace and nuclear disarmament at American University, and more. Scenes from his visit to Berlin in June of 1963 are amazing. If you had any doubt that Kennedy wasn’t a phenomenon not only in his country but also around the world, this visit alone will convince you otherwise. The crowds of Germans cheering for him are in the hundreds of thousands—putting the Boston crowds after the Red Sox won the World Series to shame.

The film highlights the Cuban Missile Crisis, and JFK’s press conference announcing the missile activity and the evidence that the Soviet Union had lied is still riveting to this day. Thirteen days later, when the President announces that the crisis has passed, the stress and wear on his face is evident.

Sadly, we all know how this story ends. The documentary doesn’t delve into conspiracy theories, stating only that shots rang out in Dealey Plaza on November 22, 1963. The film ends with footage of the funeral, the grieving family, and reflections from two other charismatic presidents—Bill Clinton and Ronald Reagan—remembering the vigorous, vibrant President of an earlier, more innocent time.

I would absolutely recommend JFK Remembered: 50 Years Later not only to those who want to recollect the captivating and engaging president of their youth, but to new generations who just don’t understand what all the fuss was about. John F. Kennedy was a communicator and a leader.

But these are just words. Let me just show you.

JFK Remembered: 50 Years Later is available through Warner Home Video individually or as part of the JFK 50th Commemorative Ultimate Collector’s Edition.

Jul 19 2013

‘Red 2’ Keeps the Action Going and The Laughs Coming

 

By Jason Harris

Red 2I didn’t care for Red when it was first released almost three years ago. I’m not sure why. I recently watched it again in anticipation of seeing Red 2, and this time around I enjoyed it and would like to own it. It is now a favorite action movie of mine, as is Red 2.

 Red 2 opens up with Frank (Bruce Willis) and Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker) shopping at a Costco. Frank doesn’t seem any worse for wear after running from the Moldovan Army at the end of Red. He excitedly comes up to Sarah with bulk bargain items. The look on Sarah’s face seethes with boredom. She wants action. This is shown by her enthusiasm when Marvin (John Malkovich) shows up to tell him that Interpol is after him because of Nightshade, a Cold War project to sneak a nuclear weapon into Russia. Frank wants nothing to do with Marvin or his information so he sends him away, much to the chagrin of Sarah.

Even after Marvin’s car explodes and he is presumably dead, Frank still wants to play things safe. With the Red movies, you can never be sure what to expect. Frank isn’t sure Marvin’s dead, and he tests his theory a few times at Marvin’s funeral. These moments are funny and cringe-worthy since you and Frank are thinking the same thing. Is Marvin really dead? I won’t spoil it for you.

It’s not long after the funeral that Frank is living up to his RED (retired, extremely dangerous) designation.

Helen Mirren’s Victoria is back. She’s given a contract by MI6 to kill Frank. There is a moment where it looks like she will fulfill that contract, but before long they are all together trying to stop world destruction.

Anthony Hopkins portrays baddie Bailey. It’s not Hopkins’ best performance since it didn’t seem to be even. This problem could lie in the writing, though. One moment, he’s crazy or just acting like a loon. The next minute he’s fine then he starts to slip back towards crazy. It was an off-putting performance.

The movie’s writers, Jon Hoeber and Erich Hoeber, took a page from The Fast and the Furious movies with the character of Han Cho Bai (Byung-hun Lee). The audience is introduced to Han before he is contracted to kill Frank. Han is a cool character whom you want to survive and be in Red 3. This can’t happen if Frank and Han remain enemies. By the end of the movie, Frank and Han are working together. Hopefully there will be a third movie where we see more of Han.

The Red series could be considered Bruce Willis’ Expendables series (which he is in, but not in a starring role). Red is high on action and excitement, and there is definitely enough gas in the tank for a third movie.

Jun 24 2013

The Mars Patrol Releases Follow-up Album

By Rob Watts

London’s indie rockers have done it again. The Mars Patrol have released their long-awaited follow-up to 2010s Landline, and it’s nothing short of perfection. Young Lovers illuminates the band’s desire to tread steady into the pop-rock universe on their own terms, not unlike many of their U.K. Peers such as A Silent Film or The Boxer Rebellion. Young Lovers was produced by lead guitarist Ross Nelson (and mixed by Grammy-nominated Tim Palmer of U2 and David Bowie albums), the band retreated  to an old farmhouse in the English countryside to escape the pressures and distraction that their London hometown offered. The result was a masterfully blended e.p. that boasts all the hallmarks of a big-budget, radio-friendly listening experience.

Lyrically, Young Lovers puts forth the bands growth and maturity and gleefully reveals the band’s intention to remain in the race as long-distance runners, not mere sprinters. “Here We Go” opens the album up with Davina Divine’s beautifully delivered lyrics “cause I can’t wait for what I can see/when it’s just so close it’s in front of me.” “Stop Pushing You Away”, the lead single delivers a glossy and stylish pop ballad sans the usual desperation such songs anchor us with. “Coming Home” is a slow-tempo ballad that builds with a towering sheen of guitars from Nelson and James Williamson and a healthy coda of Lewis Searle’s drums. “I Wonder” is reminiscent of “I Still Want You” from the band’s debut album, Are You With Me?.  Divine’s compelling delivery of such songs convey to the listener the vulnerability and emotion of heartbreak and falling in love. The title track closes the album up brilliantly with the band’s trademark upbeat and rhythmic nuances. Stephen Parker’s thumping bass and Matt Baker’s atmospheric vibes snap tightly together with the rest of the band’s musicianship to complete yet another enjoyable delivery from the U.K.’s most exciting band.

Check out the band’s website by clicking here.

May 22 2013

Universal Stays on Track with ‘Fast and Furious 6’

by Stacey Longo

fast-and-furious-6-movie-poster-3Universal Pictures continues to tap into one of its most successful franchises with the release of Fast and Furious 6.

Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are back as Dominic Toretto and Brian O’Conner, hiding out in Mexico (“no extradition,” Toretto points out early on.) O’Conner and Toretto’s sister,  Mia (played by Jordana Brewster) have just welcomed their first child into the world when Agent Lou Hobbs, portrayed by a well-muscled Dwayne Johnson, arrives to ask for help. It seems that Interpol is having difficulty stopping a group of mercenary drivers headed by criminal mastermind Owen Shaw (Luke Evans). The hook to ensure Toretto’s assistance is that Shaw’s crew includes Lettie Ortiz (Michelle Rodriguez), the love of Toretto’s life who was assumed to be killed in Fast and Furious, the fourth installment. Lettie’s alive, and Toretto assembles his team, currently spread across the world, enjoying the riches they earned from their last heist. Tyrese Gibson, Ludicris, Gal Gadot, and Sung Kang return to round out a fantastic supporting cast that gets Furious 6 racing into action.

This movie was fun and exciting. Toretto’s team provides comic relief along with several thrilling car chases and fight scenes.  Toretto’s encounters with Lettie are steeped with emotion and trepidation as Toretto tries hard to help Lettie remember who she once was. Rodriguez excels in brooding tough girl roles, and Lettie is no exception. Toretto’s racing scenes are impressive, but it’s his mid-air rescue of Lettie that will leave you cheering.

Brewster’s Mia has little screen time, and Walker also steps to the sidelines in this installment. One sequence, in which O’Conner returns to the states to interview a criminal, was amusing, but felt like it was only written in to give Walker something to do. However, don’t let this one script flaw keep you from seeing the movie.

Furious 6 was entertaining, well paced, exciting, and a great way to spend an evening.  Plus, with this lineup of action stars, how could you possibly go wrong?

Apr 21 2013

Review: ‘The Lords of Salem’

Hello there, readers and writers of Horror, and watchers of horror movies. Well, watchers of movies in general. My name is Rob Smales, and this is my first ever movie review. Never even tried one before. Jason, the webmaster of the NEHW website, asked me for one, though, so I’m giving it a shot. If it sucks, don’t blame me, blame him.

Or better yet, blame Rob Zombie.

This is a review of Zombie’s new movie The Lords of Salem, from Alliance Films. Before I go off on  a rant here, I should probably tell you what kind of Horror movies I like — if  you don’t agree with my taste then you probably won’t agree with my review and can stop reading right now.Lords of Salem

Ready?

Friday the 13th (original, great!), Halloween (original, brilliant!), A Nightmare on Elm Street (original, I had to buy new pants!), Let the Right One In (the Swedish version, wonderfully creepy, fantastic idea!), The Woman in Black (Slow suspenseful build to get you looking over your shoulder — and THEN it gets scary!), The Ring (Still freaks me out), The Shining, The Birds, Psycho (the original), and the list goes on …

So, as you can probably see I like a touch of psychological horror over the Spatterfest. I also live in  Salem, Massachusetts, which is the setting for Zombie’s movie. A horror movie set in Salem? Should be a win-win for me, right?

Oh, one final thing. This review is going to contain spoilers, basically because I don’t know how to do it  without them. In fact, it’s going to be one big spoiler because I can tell you  in a couple of paragraphs what it took Rob Zombie one hour and forty-one minutes to tell me. Those who want to go out and experience the genius that is Rob Zombie first-hand, with no warnings or foreknowledge, there’s the door; we’ll catch you in the flip side. But hold on to the review — you can always watch the movie first, then come back and read the review later.

Alright, where to start …

This is the story of a nice little heroin addicted rock-n-roll DJ (played by Sheri Moon Zombie — wait, the  writer/director cast his wife in the starring role? Whew, no red flags here!) who works the night shift. One day she receives a box at the station containing  an unsolicited record with no title, just a note saying it is a gift from ‘The Lords’. She plays the record, the music doing something strange and mystical to  her and starting her down the path to possession by the Dark Lord Satan. Without her knowledge, of course. She’s guided on this path, again without her knowledge, by the spirit of a witch who was burned in Salem way back in the 1600s. She and her partners at the station play the record on the air where  (surprise, surprise) it’s a hit even though it sounds a bit like blocked pipes.  In a bull moose. Who has cramps. Once The Lords have a hit on their hands they  send another box to the station, this one containing free tickets, records and  posters so the station can host a local show for The Lords, which they do, even  though they have no contract and have never talked to, nor even seen, The Lords … because that’s just how things are done in the real world, right?

Anyway, the concert begins,  the music somehow being performed by the coven of witches that burned alongside  the witch who has been haunting Heidi, our leading lady. The coven has  apparently been summoned by Heidi’s landlady and two women she claims are her  sisters. The whole thing culminates in Heidi giving birth to a … uh .. a thing that looks a  bit like a Jumbo Shrimp that’s gotten into former Governator Schwarzenegger’s steroid stash.

Okay. Pros:

Though the film starts off somewhat cheesy, with a prologue set in the 1600s filled with naked dancing  witches, it slips almost effortlessly into modern day Salem and a naked DJ. As a  Salem native it was kind of neat to see things and places that I pass by on a daily basis in the film, and I have to admit the acting was not terrible. Okay, not too terrible.

The middle of the story, the haunting portion of our program, was actually pretty good. There was some nice camera work, a terrific dose of creepiness, a good build-up of suspense,  and even a couple of little “boo” moments where there were audible gasps from the audience.

Here, I thought, he saved it! All he has to do is build things in this vein and he might be able to make an impressive recovery!

Cons:

The last third of the film. Seriously, after making this creepy comeback within the movie you are somewhat unprepared when Zombie drives the plot right off the rails into an almost violent shift from scary and serious to something so over-the-top it actually becomes funny. Rather than trying to make any sense of what happens, I’ll simply list off some of what I consider the low points of the film, most of which happen in the later third of the action

  • The name of the film, The Lords of Salem.

The witches in the film were named “The Lords” way back in colonial Salem by the man who was trying to root them out … because it is only natural that someone would have referred to a group of women by such a masculine name, what with the Puritains being so open and fun-loving about things like gender.

  • Thanksgiving Day Satan.

When I think of Satan, The Father of Lies, The Prince of Darkness, the fallen Angel the Hebrews named “the Enemy,” I don’t think I have ever, ever, thought of a four-foot tall, succulent, crispy-skinned, juicy, cooked turkey with a vaguely human head. Apparently Rob Zombie does. I’m sorry, Mr. Zombie, no disrespect intended, but do you honestly think the Lord of All Evil should make the audience suddenly crave mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce? What was undoubtedly supposed to be a terrifying set of scenes really only made me hungry … and aware that it’s seven months ‘til Thanksgiving. Thanks. Thanks a lot … but, damn it, that Satan looked tasty!

  • Demonic Clergy masturbating day-glow strap-ons.

Okay …   this is a weird one. Faceless people strike me as creepy right off the bat —  the Terrible Trivium from “The Phantom Tollbooth” gave me nightmares as a kid. Faceless clergy in Hell … yes, creepy, and potentially scary depending on what they’re doing. This started out as a good idea, I think, but when what you have them doing is sitting in a group and facelessly beating the bishop (har-har) and the weasels they’re whipping happen to be somewhat floppy rubber penises in all the colors of the day-glow rainbow, well then what you get is an entire theater full of people all bursting out in laughter at the same time. That’s what you get, trust me. I was there and that’s what we did. Hell, I’m chuckling right now just thinking about it.

  • Where was the destruction of the World/Salem/Whatever at the end of the flick?

After all the threatening and posturing, after going through what was supposedly a terrible ordeal (aside from Turkey Satan and the Attack of the Day-Glow Dildos, of course) … nothing happens. There is no fire, there is no brimstone, there is  no destruction. Even Heidi seems to be happy at the end, suggesting the existence of some sort of Rohypnol of Evil. I want my destruction!

  • Naked women.

I  know, when was the last time you heard a guy complain about women taking their clothes off, right? Well, for me it was last Wednesday while I was watching this movie. When the DJ sleeps, she’s naked. Whenever there is  witchcraft they get naked. The ghost haunting the DJ is naked. The women who   hear the constipated moose music get naked. According to this movie every woman in Salem is just naked, naked, naked. I grew up here in Salem. I was a teen-ager in Salem. If there was some odd community of women who would just peel off whenever they heard a drum-beat then I’m pretty sure teenaged me, also known as The Human Hormone, would have found them and developed a one-man-band act so good it would have kicked the ass right off anything you see on American Idol today! All in all, it was more than a bit much. When,   toward the end of the movie, a group of women start shedding clothes and the 20-ish guy a couple of seats down from me shouts “Oh, come on!,” then Mr. Zombie, my friend, you’re doing it wrong.

Overall  Opinion:

The thing that annoys me about this film is that the middle portion is so comparatively good. It’s not  great, but it’s really pretty good. It’s like Rob Zombie was just showing us he could do it so we’d be more disappointed when he didn’t. What he did instead was make a film that’s going to be different things to different people.

If you’re a serious Horror movie buff who isn’t happy unless you’re having the pants scared off you, you might want to give this one a pass. The laughter at the end will only annoy you.

If you like the gore-fest,  then a lot of this movie will seem slow to you. There are a couple of nasty  scenes (it’s like Rob Zombie just couldn’t help himself) that try to make it up to you, but it probably won’t really be enough.

If you like the suspenseful  thriller, then this is almost for you… but winds up  being more of a tease than anything else. You’ll walk out of the theater bemoaning all that the film could have been.

If, however, you’re someone who occasionally likes to watch a movie just to make fun of it, as I sometimes  do, then we have your Golden Ticket right here.

There. My first movie review. Did you actually read this far? Did you laugh at the stuff up there? If you did, then this movie might be for you.

Okay. I’m going to go read up on how to actually write a movie review and see just how far from the norm I got with this one.

Until next time.